When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
