dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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