finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you had me at cake vodka
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
