piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
