my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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