I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
