Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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