i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Randomize
