dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
