i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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