My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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