Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Randomize
