we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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