why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
