I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
