Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
