She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
