apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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