When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
