...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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