Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dignity is for republicans.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
