Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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