when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
