im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
