i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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