How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
