My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
