dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just want to make out with him forever
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
