i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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