i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
