It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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