R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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