$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
