you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
