So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
