I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
