I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
