I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
one might say we're banned from that church
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
