Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
