Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
