I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
