I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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