Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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