Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My bed smells like the plague
He has the fingertips of a God
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
