You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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