Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
