Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
