Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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