What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
