if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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