I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
