I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
