Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
