Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
