WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
