like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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