Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
